Fwd: How to avoid a shark attack.

1.  Don't swim in the ocean.  Ninety-nine percent of all shark
attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water known as
oceans.  The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to
taste the water, which should be salty.

2.  Listen out for the music.  In the event that you are foolish
enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as
demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws.  All shark
attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will
gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer.  This is due
to the Doppler Effect.

3.  Swim with fat people.  Try to surround yourself with more
appetizing companions.  If you know them well, you might even try to
switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce.  This will
definitely improve your odds.

4.  Don't go into the water without a knife.  This is not to defend
yourself but to stab the other person (a.k.a.  "the decoy") closest
to you in the case of a shark attack.  Once you are sure the "decoy"
is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freakin' life.  And
finally...

5.  Don't panic.  In the event that a shark actually bites you, try
to remain calm.  This really wont help you survive, but everyone
else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this
is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out.
Remember, it's not always about you!

--
         Mahesh