Fwd: Rules of men!

Rules of men:

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side:

These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!

1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we...

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1.  You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1.  Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

--
         Mahesh

Useful advice to women.

Please pass it on.

1) What should a woman do if she finds herself alone in the company of a strange
male as she prepares to enter a lift in a high-rise apartment late at night?

Experts Say: Enter the lift. If you need to reach the 13th floor, press
all the buttons up to your destination. No one will dare attack you in a lift that stops on every floor.


2) What to do if a stranger tries to attack you when you are alone in your
house, run into the kitchen.

Experts Say: You alone know where the chili powder and turmeric are kept.
And where the knives and plates are. All these can be turned into deadly
weapons. If nothing else, start throwing plates and utensils all over.
Let them break. Scream. Remember that noise is the greatest enemy of a
molester. He does not want to be caught.

3} Taking an Auto or Taxi at Night.

Experts Say: Before getting into an auto at night, note down its registration
number. Then use the mobile to call your family or friend and pass on the
details to them in the language the driver understands .Even if no one
answers your call, pretend you are in a conversation. The driver now knows
someone has his details and he will be in serious trouble if anything goes
wrong. He is now bound to take you home safe and sound. A potential attacker
is now your de facto protector!

4}What if the driver turns into a street he is not supposed to - and you
feel you are entering a danger zone?

Experts Say: Use the handle of your purse or your stole (dupatta) to wrap
around his neck and pull him back. Within seconds, he will feel choked
and helpless. In case you don't have a purse or stole just pull him back
by his collar. The top button of his shirt would then do the same trick.

5} If you are stalked at night.

Expert Say: enter a shop or a house and explain your predicament.
If it is night and shops are not open, go inside an ATM box. ATM centers
always have security guards. They are also monitored by close circuit television.
Fearing identification, no one will dare attack you.

After all, being mentally alert is the greatest weapon you can ever have.

--
         Mahesh

Some joke

Girlfriend: Hey

Boyfriend: Who's Hey?, don't ever call
me back.

Girlfriend: Sorry! My Love, how are
you doing??

Boyfriend: I'm Fine! And You??

Girlfriend: I'm fine, but I need
something from you..

Boyfriend: What???

Girlfriend: Sweetie please could you
SEND me 15k?

Boyfriend: 15k for what??

Girlfriend: 5k for my clothes, 7k for
my hair+nails and 3k for my shoes.

Boyfriend: Aww sure my love, here..
k,
k,
k,
k,
k,
k,
k,
k ,
k,
k,
k,
k,
k,
k,
k .
count
it, its complete and take this extra 2k.
k,k that's for your perfume. :) :p :D=))

--
         Mahesh

Fwd: Nursery Student's poem

--
         Mahesh

Fwd: Trust me: I'm an engineer...

Trust me: I'm an engineer...

 



--
         Mahesh

Fwd: Winter Boots...

 

 

 

Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing,

the little boots still didn't want to go on.


By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.


She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'


She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off,

than it was putting them on.


She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,

this time on the correct feet.


He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'


She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'

like she wanted to.


Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'


Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to

wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.


Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'


He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

--
         Mahesh

Fwd: Interesting tweets.

Any chance of Rahul Gandhi entering the cabinet? Isn't it time Sonia did some beta testing?
 
Maybe Yeddy could be sent to Kashmir. In a few years, all the land will belong to his family, and all problems will be solved.
 
Government of Egypt blocks all internet access. The country can now be renamed gypt.
 
100 phones tapped each day per operator. Finally we have a government that listens to us.
 
Vote for Baba Ramdev. He'll be the PM who can help you make your ends meet. Your head and toe, that is.
 
 Mayawati, Jayalalitha & Mamata should now form an alliance. They can call it Behenji-Amma-Didi. Or BAD, for short.
 
Kalmadi's aide is in jail. Raja's aide is dead. Satish Sharma denies ever having an aide. India seems quite serious about eradicating Aids.
 
Police Manual: if it's one guy, take a bribe. If it's a couple, harass. If it's a bunch of people, lathi charge. If it's a mob, disappear.
 
According to Census 2011, there are 940 females for every 1000 males in India. Those 60 unfortunate men join the Ram Sene, i guess.
 
Dear Baba Ramdev, we can't ban 1000 & 500 rupee notes. We are a secular country. So we need to respect all denominations.
 
On most days, Digvijay Singh makes no sense. On some few days, he is silent.
 
Two weapons against corruption: Lokpal and Chappal.
 
A documentary on Air India's planes  Saare Zameen Par.
 
I really don't understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem. Chemically speaking, it's a solution.
 
Since 1977, West Bengal has been crawling along at approximately 0.00000000001 kmph. They've just covered 3 CMs in 34 years.
 
If P&G buys Unilever, the unified entity can be called Procter and Gamble and Lever. Abbreviated to PaGaL.
 
Gandhi would have been a great bowler. He could spin as well as fast.
 
Baba Ramdev is going to create an army with a headcount of 11,000. Or a leg-count of 22,000. Depending on which side is up.
 
Three generations of Bachchans  BigB, WannaB, and now BayB.
 
25-paise coins to go off circulation from Jun 30. The govt feels they can't handle one Anna, so there's no need for four annas.
 
 Every night families in rural U.P. must be shuddering in anticipation of Rahul Gandhi dropping in for dinner and whacking their charpai.
 
I think Manmohan should get VVS Laxman into the cabinet. The UPA is in major trouble in its second innings.
 
Kalmadi: So what are you here for? | Anna: Jan Lokpal bill. And you? | Kalmadi: Er€¦ video bill, sponsorship bill, catering bill, etc.
 
All MPs to get iPads. Awesome. As some would say, from anPad to iPad in 3 days.
 
It's been a pretty decent tour for india. We beat three teams  Sussex, Kent & Leicestershire. And lost to only one  England.
 
The word Engineer is derived from Anjaneya (or Hanuman), who built a bridge and didn't hang around with girls.
 
Bangalore may have a nice past. And a great future. But there's no current.
 
Infosys: More profits means great quarter.
 UB: More quarters means great profit.
 
BJP guy gives 500 rupee notes to journalists for +ve Rath Yatra coverage. He must have heard that a good reporter always takes notes.
 
Anna Hazare breaks vow of silence. So Manmohan Singh wins this one.
 
A big time Eid Mubarak to all. Except of course, goats. Who tend to look at EID backwards.
 
Think of the tiger. Think of hockey. All national icons. Now you get it? The real problem with the rupee is that it is the national currency of India.
 
  PM says India and China are good friends. Of course we are. We have so much in common. Like Arunachal Pradesh.

--
         Mahesh